Ahh, so school has returned. Yes I know it's been two weeks. (:
HSC timetable = current stress out + sudden realisation of how close it is. 6 months or 20 weeks, whichever you'd rather.
And as the early (relative) mornings begin, as does the loads of schoolwork, unrealistic deadlines (for three page Ancient essays), exam results (-_-) and the immense drama that comes from spending the majorit of my waking hours with/talking with a bunch of 17yrolds. I believe I am royally screwed.
So she's gonna screw over another guy. Again. Who happens to be someone I know and like. He's a good guy, you screw him over and I punch you in the face. Got it?
And yes you still annoy the shit out of me. If this place is so crap and you don't belong, then go back home.
I can't believe I'm actually gonna say it...but PZ is actually getting half decent. :S
Same with JH, which is weird, seeing as a few months ago I would have gladly punched him in the face.
Talk of HSC, formals, yearbook, everything that marks an ending are being spoken of with fervour. I wonder how many are realising that there is really an end with all this. And a new beginning.
The need to get a job is more urgent as I realise I need to move out in 6 months too. Shit.
Another short one...
Listening to - Ke$ha. Sanket is giving me the album ^.^
Feeling - COLD!! (getting sick -_-)
Friday, April 30, 2010
Friday, April 23, 2010
The last few days...
I am getting thoroughly sick of me.
And I'm getting sick of how my position with my best friend has changed so dramatically.
And I'm not the only one who has noticed it.
Well, the last few days has reiterated my need to change.
They've also not helped, as they've made me incredibly angry.
The fights are pissing me off. I know I should just let it be, because no other time has it actually changed anything when I've pointed out what my problems are. So it's pretty much a waste of time, energy and emotions.
What were once secrets became known to a few. That was not good. But ended alright, as I am now getting even closer to one of my people. It feels good to now have three people I really feel I can talk to.
It was reiterated that I'm a slut. For the record, I'm not. But that seems to be the implication by somebody.
I'm starting fights with my best friend. I consciously and purposefully subject myself to bucketloads of emotional pain. And I want to break down. Twisted.
I was reminded of why it is I hate hypocrites and double standards.
And I began to wish sorry meant something to me anymore.
I miss some of the best people in my life. I miss spending days with people and coming home with a million memories to look back on and smile.
In fact, I just miss having a day out that was just good. Not "good but awkward at times", or good but I spent the whole day trembling, or good but I didn't actually talk with some people.
Someone who used to be one of my best friends now just pisses me off with everything she says. We can't focus our lives around keeping you happy. You came in at a bad time and we both know we used to speak most on msn, and only when we needed someone to talk to. I would check to see if you're ok, but I'm slowly not caring anymore. It would appear you don't really fit in with this group as much as we thought you would.
I'm thinking every Saturday morning should start with Taking Back Sunday. Very good for the soul. ^.^
[ilyMelMartinSanketAaron]
x.
And I'm getting sick of how my position with my best friend has changed so dramatically.
And I'm not the only one who has noticed it.
Well, the last few days has reiterated my need to change.
They've also not helped, as they've made me incredibly angry.
The fights are pissing me off. I know I should just let it be, because no other time has it actually changed anything when I've pointed out what my problems are. So it's pretty much a waste of time, energy and emotions.
What were once secrets became known to a few. That was not good. But ended alright, as I am now getting even closer to one of my people. It feels good to now have three people I really feel I can talk to.
It was reiterated that I'm a slut. For the record, I'm not. But that seems to be the implication by somebody.
I'm starting fights with my best friend. I consciously and purposefully subject myself to bucketloads of emotional pain. And I want to break down. Twisted.
I was reminded of why it is I hate hypocrites and double standards.
And I began to wish sorry meant something to me anymore.
I miss some of the best people in my life. I miss spending days with people and coming home with a million memories to look back on and smile.
In fact, I just miss having a day out that was just good. Not "good but awkward at times", or good but I spent the whole day trembling, or good but I didn't actually talk with some people.
Someone who used to be one of my best friends now just pisses me off with everything she says. We can't focus our lives around keeping you happy. You came in at a bad time and we both know we used to speak most on msn, and only when we needed someone to talk to. I would check to see if you're ok, but I'm slowly not caring anymore. It would appear you don't really fit in with this group as much as we thought you would.
I'm thinking every Saturday morning should start with Taking Back Sunday. Very good for the soul. ^.^
[ilyMelMartinSanketAaron]
x.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Short and Sweet (+ The Ex)
I have been told two things which have made me think, and contribute a lot to my want to change.
1. That I’m selfish. This may be true. I shouldn’t think that I could mean as much to you as he does. I shouldn’t even assume I mean anything to you. And you’re often showing me this. I’ll hurt less once I stop thinking that so much is about me. But, just saying, most of what I do, or don’t do, is for your sake. I always thought that was being selfless.
2. That I need to lower my expectations. Another thing that you’re still proving to me. No, I shouldn’t expect so much from you.
The Ex...
Never expected to last 6 months. And we didn’t.
He changed me for the worse. I don’t regret much, but I regret him.
(BTW Mel, I never would’ve done that with him.)
And I'd expect you all to claim I have no reason for a breakdown.
Sorry this was a short one.
PS. Sorta getting somewhere with the trust. Win ^.^
“If you lie, you don’t deserve to have friends, if you lie, you don’t deserve to have them.”
Feeling: Emotional. Angry. Depressed.
Listening to:
Newport Living - Cute is What We Aim For
To Write Love On Her Arms - Hawthorne Heights
1. That I’m selfish. This may be true. I shouldn’t think that I could mean as much to you as he does. I shouldn’t even assume I mean anything to you. And you’re often showing me this. I’ll hurt less once I stop thinking that so much is about me. But, just saying, most of what I do, or don’t do, is for your sake. I always thought that was being selfless.
2. That I need to lower my expectations. Another thing that you’re still proving to me. No, I shouldn’t expect so much from you.
The Ex...
Never expected to last 6 months. And we didn’t.
He changed me for the worse. I don’t regret much, but I regret him.
(BTW Mel, I never would’ve done that with him.)
And I'd expect you all to claim I have no reason for a breakdown.
Sorry this was a short one.
PS. Sorta getting somewhere with the trust. Win ^.^
“If you lie, you don’t deserve to have friends, if you lie, you don’t deserve to have them.”
Feeling: Emotional. Angry. Depressed.
Listening to:
Newport Living - Cute is What We Aim For
To Write Love On Her Arms - Hawthorne Heights
Friday, April 16, 2010
Step 1 + Ramblings. Much music (:
Step 1 of the plan.
Removing from my life what will only cause pain. The easy stuff.
So, firstly, I must stop hurting you two because of my jealousy! You’re both incredibly dear friends to me, and I know I’m going to need you both throughout this (along with others!) and all you bring into my life. <3 (:
Secondly, the fights. Between me and Mel, within the group, they have to stop. Anything I’m involved in – will be resolved quickly, and peacefully.
Third – my own personal problems with people. This part of the step has already begun, with my apologies sent to some I fought with a few months ago. Things so far have been pretty good with one, and...yes...with the other. Though I know there’s plenty more to go! Another, I have hopefully fixed things with, that seems to be the general view. The others may still be yet to come.
Ramblings
There are four people who will help me so much with this. Who have helped me so much already. These four are the ones who made me realise I need to change, who have helped me realise what I need to change. These three guys, and one girl, are the reason I’m even writing about this right now!
Mel, Sanket, Aaron, Martin. My support group (:
I believe in the power of thought and will. I can only hope that my thought and will are strong enough to actually get through this change.
I managed to change into who I am, I’m sure I can change, again, into someone else.
Just last night I was saying that the only people worth changing for are those who accept you for you, and the only reason to change would be if who you are is harmful to those you love. I can say, with confidence, that who I am is only hurting those around me, those I love.
Listening to:
Blah Blah Blah – Ke$ha
Miserable at Best – Mayday Parade
Pour Me Out – He is We
Stella – All Time Low
Feeling Sorry – Paramore
Feeling: calm, confused, tired (:
Removing from my life what will only cause pain. The easy stuff.
So, firstly, I must stop hurting you two because of my jealousy! You’re both incredibly dear friends to me, and I know I’m going to need you both throughout this (along with others!) and all you bring into my life. <3 (:
Secondly, the fights. Between me and Mel, within the group, they have to stop. Anything I’m involved in – will be resolved quickly, and peacefully.
Third – my own personal problems with people. This part of the step has already begun, with my apologies sent to some I fought with a few months ago. Things so far have been pretty good with one, and...yes...with the other. Though I know there’s plenty more to go! Another, I have hopefully fixed things with, that seems to be the general view. The others may still be yet to come.
Ramblings
There are four people who will help me so much with this. Who have helped me so much already. These four are the ones who made me realise I need to change, who have helped me realise what I need to change. These three guys, and one girl, are the reason I’m even writing about this right now!
Mel, Sanket, Aaron, Martin. My support group (:
I believe in the power of thought and will. I can only hope that my thought and will are strong enough to actually get through this change.
I managed to change into who I am, I’m sure I can change, again, into someone else.
Just last night I was saying that the only people worth changing for are those who accept you for you, and the only reason to change would be if who you are is harmful to those you love. I can say, with confidence, that who I am is only hurting those around me, those I love.
Listening to:
Blah Blah Blah – Ke$ha
Miserable at Best – Mayday Parade
Pour Me Out – He is We
Stella – All Time Low
Feeling Sorry – Paramore
Feeling: calm, confused, tired (:
This is a new me
In an effort to change who I am, I'm putting my thoughts out there. This is a new me.
I'm learning to trust, I'm learning to talk. This is a new me.
I now know that who I am is not good enough for the people around me. This is a new me.
I need to grow up. In so many ways. I need to get over myself. I'm no longer a five year old, I can no longer get what I want by crying and arguing. I don't matter enough to people for my threats to mean anything. This is a new me.
No longer do I need to have my own way. No more fighting. It's much too tiring being who I was, when I could be putting that energy to better, more productive work.
I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm not going to get what I want, not without having to lose a few things in the process. This is just life. You can only receive through giving. I will fight for what I need. Strive for what I want. And lose what is no longer needed in my life. So no more arguments with friends. And now, a new me.
People have argued. It's been said that who I am is good enough. That there are parts to my personality that are good.
But in contrast to what these people have said, I have my flaws. Plenty of them.
And this is what I'm going to change.
I'm going to mature. I will be less of a bitch. Less of a flirt. More of a friend.
Improvements
-A better friend. I know I can do better. And my friends deserve better than me.
-A nicer person.
-More emotionally stable.
-Being there for people.
-Becoming more optimistic.
-Learning to accept myself.
-Learning to accept others.
-Thinking more of others.
Trashed
-The Bitchiness.
-The flirting.
-The paranoia.
-The depression.
-The closed up, hidden emotions.
-The anger.
-The fighting/arguments.
-The lack of thought before action.
The Same
-The emotional strength.
And this is where it will be documented. Where it will happen.
The new me.
x.
I'm learning to trust, I'm learning to talk. This is a new me.
I now know that who I am is not good enough for the people around me. This is a new me.
I need to grow up. In so many ways. I need to get over myself. I'm no longer a five year old, I can no longer get what I want by crying and arguing. I don't matter enough to people for my threats to mean anything. This is a new me.
No longer do I need to have my own way. No more fighting. It's much too tiring being who I was, when I could be putting that energy to better, more productive work.
I'm learning. I'm growing. I'm not going to get what I want, not without having to lose a few things in the process. This is just life. You can only receive through giving. I will fight for what I need. Strive for what I want. And lose what is no longer needed in my life. So no more arguments with friends. And now, a new me.
People have argued. It's been said that who I am is good enough. That there are parts to my personality that are good.
But in contrast to what these people have said, I have my flaws. Plenty of them.
And this is what I'm going to change.
I'm going to mature. I will be less of a bitch. Less of a flirt. More of a friend.
Improvements
-A better friend. I know I can do better. And my friends deserve better than me.
-A nicer person.
-More emotionally stable.
-Being there for people.
-Becoming more optimistic.
-Learning to accept myself.
-Learning to accept others.
-Thinking more of others.
Trashed
-The Bitchiness.
-The flirting.
-The paranoia.
-The depression.
-The closed up, hidden emotions.
-The anger.
-The fighting/arguments.
-The lack of thought before action.
The Same
-The emotional strength.
And this is where it will be documented. Where it will happen.
The new me.
x.
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