There are so many things, I don’t even know what to start with. I’m not even sure what I’m going to say, so I guess it will just have to come out as I think of it.
I’m sorry if I hurt you. I’m sorry if maybe the way things went wasn’t exactly as planned. I’m sorry that you felt that you couldn’t talk to me about anything, and that I was hurt by that. I’m sorry that the way I react to being hurt isn’t how you do, and so you didn’t understand my actions.
I never wanted to hurt you. I never thought that we would get that bad. I didn’t even think we were that bad. 4yrs together, I’m sure it was about the point that we needed some space, and it even made sense for us to not be in each other’s pockets anymore. I didn’t think I’d stray that far, and I didn’t think to look back and realise that for every step I took, you were building the barrier between us longer and longer. I can’t say that neither of us is to blame, but I’m completely sure that both of us had a part, and I’m over looking past mine and only seeing yours. You acted, I reacted. You acted wrongly, I reacted wrongly. You promised me that it would always be “friends first” and I believed you. But you didn’t stick to that. One more step away. You always clung to your morals when it concerned someone else. Even when I assured you, you were always on my back about it – “you never know when you’re in a relationship.” When you gave the slightest sign that you were going back on these, you hurt people, more than just me, because that single sign showed us that with you, things are different. Another step. And then when we couldn’t talk. Because you refused to tell me anything. Because I was angry at you for everything else that happened. Because ‘he’ was telling me off, and I had realised that there goes yet another person I could talk to. Step, step, step.
And then that day, when I found out that YOUR decision regarding OUR friendship was made and told to people, that I wasn’t meant to find out, that I had to hear off of people who had accidentally overheard you, that you were annoyed at the people who had actually told me because it was regarding me. That day, to begin with, I was shocked. But then, I was angry because I was the last to know, and numb, because how am I meant to feel?
You were probably hurt by what happened next. I didn’t talk to you. I wouldn’t sit with you. I didn’t go out of my way to be away from you, but I also didn’t go out of my way to be with you either. And I figure you probably don’t understand why I’ve been doing that the past 6 or 7 weeks.
You know what I’m like. My mind doesn’t work the way that other peoples do. I think about things differently. From what I’d seen and heard, you didn’t give a shit. You couldn’t have cared less about how I was. About what I thought. Well this is how I felt, and this is what I thought. I figured, if you didn’t care about me, I wouldn’t care about you. Easier said than done. So I had to pretend to not care. So I couldn’t show you that I was hurting, that the only thing I wanted was for you to show some sign that you cared, and the most I could hope for is for you to give some acknowledgment that you want to be friends again. And I never got that.
One day, in maths, I went over to talk to the people with you, even you. You hadn’t noticed me there, not that I could tell, but as soon as I started talking, you went from talkative and happy, to coldly silent, non responsive. The next day was our geography excursion. I had spent that night thinking about the incident in maths, and the only logical conclusion I could come up with was that I had to spend the day with other people, just to ensure that things weren’t awkward with everybody. What a mistake that was. The next day, even the rest of that week, somebody else, who I thought would understand, didn’t talk to me, was annoyed at me for it, even though I’d explained to him why I did it. And then I found out, yet again, that you were talking about me, complaining about me. From what I heard, you were complaining that you’d tried to talk, that you were trying to be civil. And all I could think of was how in maths you completely ignored me. And I couldn’t believe a word of it.
I want you to understand, that I had my reasons for not spending time with you in class when I used to. I want you to understand that if I hadn’t thought they were good enough reasons, I wouldn’t have done it, because I have had so much grief about it. I’m thoroughly sick of people asking me what’s wrong. I don’t want to say, because I don’t want them to think so badly of you. I don’t want them to take my word as gospel, because I know I only saw one side, I know that there could have been a million things running through your head that I had no idea about.
I didn’t sit with you because I was angry. I couldn’t stand to see your face. That’s why I deleted you off of facebook, and when I can see you without going into a rage, then I’ll add you again. That you’d done that to me, pushed me away without even saying anything to me, that pissed me off, and I sincerely hope you understand why. I couldn’t be around you because I didn’t want to crack – I didn’t want you to see how much it hurt to see you with other people and know that you and I don’t have that relationship anymore, I didn’t want you to see how much not having my best friend affected me. Physically, I’ve healed, but mentally, emotionally, I haven’t. I can’t trust anyone anymore, I enjoy being around my other newer friends because they don’t expect that from me, they can just talk about anything and I don’t have any obligation except to listen. And it’s so much easier to pretend I’m happy when I’m with them. You probably didn’t notice, when it got quiet, how much I had to hold back the tears. I’m not one for dramatics, and you know that I don’t like crying in front of everybody, so hopefully you’ll understand how much I was hurting for me to almost end up like that.
Then there was the day when I found out that you and I have no hope anymore. I’ve never felt more alone. Maybe I was naïve in thinking that things would be better, after all the stressful stuff is over. I was definitely wrong.
I can’t bring myself to throw out all the things you wrote me, even though when I look at them I get angry and sad all over again. The most I could do was put the ‘sister’ stuff into a box and pack it away. I hope you understand that you made a huge impact on my life – you made it so much easier to make sure that what I did was right. And since you’ve been gone, I’ve done things which I wouldn’t have if you had been there. Things I would regret, had I not enjoyed it so much. Which sounds sick, because it is. I miss you like crazy, and I don’t know how I’m going to cope without you, with people still asking me about what’s happening, with people still bringing up that we were friends because they don’t know what’s happened, with me constantly thinking I should tell my mum, but I just can’t, not even when she said to me “Aren’t you two friends anymore?” all because you didn’t wave to her.
I hope you understand how much I hate myself because of all this. And I hope I didn’t cause you too much pain throughout the past 4yrs. I still love you and I hope you know that.
Next one.
I used to think you were like the male version of me, that I could always talk to you. But now I can’t. And I don’t talk to you because I can’t. You’re an amazing friend, and I miss you. <3
Next.
I can’t trust you anymore. I can’t trust you or anyone else in the group. Don’t ask me why because I don’t know. Maybe I just think that you’ll go tell someone else. I don’t know. I’m sorry, but I just can’t and I wish I could.
I think that’s it. For now anyway.
Something I read somewhere – “I cut because something inside me wants me to hurt.”
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